I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
