New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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