In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
