just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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