Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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