I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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