U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
