how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Say something about gay babies.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
