My liver just broke up with me...
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
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