you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
