In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
