Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
