Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I need a beard to bite.
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