I wish I only lived at night.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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