Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
even my farts smell like vagina
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
