I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
