My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
