I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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