They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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