I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
