A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
