this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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