who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
