Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
