She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
