I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
