Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
