I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
