its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
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