I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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