just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
