she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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