Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
You left your underwear on the fireplace
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
