chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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