I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
