someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
