You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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