dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Randomize
