The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
