There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I wish there were birth control emojis
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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