I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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