I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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