i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
