She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
