So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
It's never too late to be topless.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
