This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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