I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
