I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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