Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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