Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
