Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
