I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
